


Now I'm Here

by Just_East



Series: Tumblr Drabbles [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, I was going through a rough patch, way too many swear words
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 19:58:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4234644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just_East/pseuds/Just_East
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What the fuck am I doing?</p><p>Sitting here. Just this. </p><p>I will always be this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now I'm Here

“What am I even doing?” I whisper, sitting here.

Why do I try?

What am I trying for?

What the fuck am I doing?

Sitting here, in an eerily silent room, the only sounds the clicking of typing keys.

What the fuck am I doing?

Sitting here in an empty room, in an eerily silent house. She left again, and now I’m here. With all this distinct lack of feeling.

This dead weight in my limbs, in my chest, that makes it hard to do nothing.

But what would I do? I shouldn’t do it. I shouldn’t. But what am I doing here?

What the fuck am I doing?

Sitting here, all alone, unable to bring myself to fake it ‘till I make it.

Why can’t I do it? I always used to. But it’s like something broke.

And now I’m this. Sitting here, desperately trying to hide among beautifully sculpted stories, among characters and personas that I am not.

But I don’t fit. I can’t seem to lose myself in the pages of words and wisdom like I used to.

Everything reminds me of some mistake I made. Of some sorrow I don’t know how to deal with,

Did I not have it all? I never did.

Is this it? Is this what I’ll always be?

If I can’t fake it, I’ll only drag other down, others who are higher even though they hold more weight.

Maybe they were right, I had it easy, I still do, but I allow it to drag me down out of the desire of attention.

But I don’t want it anymore.

I just want to go back. 

I just want to go back to the time when any worries I had could be drowned out by a good story and loving words.

I want to go back to when I had a future planned out, a future set out for me.

But I can’t.

I can never go back.

Now I am here. Unable to hide, but where would I run?

There is no one waiting for me with outstretched arms. There is no one waiting to embrace me and whisper sweet nothings to me.

What the fuck am I doing?

Sitting here. Just this. 

I will always be this.

Having run in the same spot for so long, I just sat down. I don’t have the strength to get back up.

I wanted to find someone to help me get back up while I had the chance, but no. It wasn’t a good idea they said. You don’t need anyone, they said.

And I listened.

And I’m here.

What the fuck am I doing?

On the edge of my sanity.

I used to be on the fence between ignorance, bliss and a long drop.

While trying to get away from ignorance and attain bliss, I fell.

Now I’m here.

On the edge of my sanity, where everything is in crystal clear distortion. 

Others see what I do not, but I can’t believe them.

I ran away from that ignorance, now I must face the light from being away from my safety blanket.

What the fuck am I doing?

Sitting here. Waiting for relief or for it to become unbearable.

What the fuck will I do?

I don’t know.


End file.
